Still a child

I am sitting on a terrace at the top of a hill in Barcelona at nearly one in the morning and I am a little cold. I don’t know how tall the hill is but it takes us about two hours to get home from town, usually because we have breaks to let the blisters on our heels breathe, or to hurriedly eat an entire box of ice cream bars before they melt.

I am drinking a beer that we took from the side of…

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on having a family someday

on having a family someday

i have always yearned for some clear path, to wake up clutching some golden object in my hand showing me exactly what i am destined to do.

i have searched myself for ‘my thing’, whatever that may be. some elusive thing that is somewhere hiding inside me waiting to be discovered so that i can fulfill my purpose. 

there is nothing. i am a vast void that is immensely lacking in any calling. 

however…

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you’re in my veins

you’re in my veins

sometimes my heart is shy in the hands of the one who holds it. i think i am afraid of being too red, too bloody, too much for him. i try to shrink down into myself, into a shape that i don’t fit. and i always forget that i don’t have to be limited around him. i don’t have to shrink, to drain, to be empty. he loves my fullness. 

for a year now, my life has been hinging on the question of ‘if’,…

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this is a stream of consciousness and i have not let things out in a long time so this is messy

this is a stream of consciousness and i have not let things out in a long time so this is messy

this doesn’t have to be perfect

i am not perfect

God is so good

please please let me bleed please spill out please i am too full i want to overflow i want spill

i think about myself too often

i think about how i am not good at things, how my hair is not good. i spend a lot of time trying to convince myself that i am good. that i am okay. that i am moving somewhere going somewhere feeling something

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